I Couldn't Help But Think
by VladdieChica
Summary: "Every time we passed eachother in the halls, he would shove me against the lockers." and I freaking loved it.  ELITZ Elitz oneshot/possible continuation


_**REALLY **_**LONG A/N: Isn't it funny how you can sit down with the full intention of writing a chapter of your Juli fic and then start writing a kinky Elitz one-shot and then end up tossing that and writing a non-kinky Elitz one-shot/maybe two-shot while watching 21 Jump Street when you promised yourself you wouldn't watch any more 80's crime dramas? Yeah, I didn't think so either.**

**Dedicated to Shattersand, goddess of Elitz and my bar-brawl buddy. Thanks for bitching at me until I got this done.**

**Inspired by a youtube comment from one of the vids of the (almost!) stab scene. "When I saw the knife and Eli fell to the ground I started freaking out and crying and my mum was like 'sweetie he's just a TV character' and I was like 'NO HE ISN'T! HE'S MY **_**LIFE!'"**_** I have no freakin idea how I got**_** this**_** out of **_**that **_**comment, but hey.**

**Warnings: Language. Really bad language.**

**pov switches every paragraph in this chapter. duh.**

**Disclaimer: Anyone know where I can ask?**

Every time we passed eachother in the halls, he would shove me against the lockers. I knew it was full of hate and aggression, but I couldn't stop myself from shivering at the physical contact. Wishing it was more than hands briefly pushing me away, our flesh covered by thick fabric.

Every time we passed eachother in the halls, I would shove him against the lockers. I just wanted- no, I _needed_ the physical contact. Anything was better than being stuck sneaking looks at him from across the cafeteria, turning my lustful stare into a menacing glare whenever he caught my gaze.

Sometimes, when I was going crazy with _want_, I would delude myself into thinking of the whole thing as a type of chaotic, violent foreplay. That one day, instead of sneering at me with those rough, pale lips, he would kiss me with everything I he'd been secretly holding back.

Sometimes, when I was going crazy with _want_, I would imagine that, one day, I would be insane enough to hold him down and kiss him on those girlish, ironically angelic lips. The shoves and punches were suddenly hungry grabs and loving touches.

I was confused. Fitz was my arch enemy. He was a demon and I was…well, actually, we were both pretty demonic. Ok, imagine two demons fighting over some piece of the underworld. _And_, I liked Clare. What's more than that, I liked Clare, but I wasn't ready to be in a relationship with her. Not even sweet, understanding Saint Clare could tempt me into giving in to my feelings. But Fitz…one look and I was _his._

I was confused. I liked girls and all their girly bits. And I liked Eli. Not other guys. What's more than that, I had been with girls, but I'd never felt this strongly about _any_ of them. It _hurt_ when he wasn't there at school, to taunt me with his witty little quips that took me a minute to understand. It made my chest tight to think about him (along with my pants, on a few embarrassing occasions)

But it all felt so good, to be in this war with him. They say the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. And boy, did Fitz hate me. It was better than nothing. Much, much better.

But it all felt so good, to be in this war with him. Sure, it was all about our hating eachother, but we were involved with eachother. We were in the eachother's heads; under their skin.

It's strange. I felt lust towards him. But when I thought about him, I smiled. The world wasn't so bad. Julia was still dead because of me. Mom was still a pathetic socialite goldigger. My stepdad was still too far into his work to take on a fatherly role. I was still depressed. But when I saw him, even if he was scaring the shit out of some niner boy or hitting on a senior goddess, all that shit wasn't what my life revolved around. I could keep my head above water.

It's strange. I felt lust towards him. But when I thought about him, I smiled. The world wasn't so bad. I still lived in a shithole of an apartment on the wrong side of town. My dad still drank. My mom and Jake were still gone. But when I saw him in the halls, or heard another ridiculous rumor about him ("they say his dad killed someone" "he went to juvie" "he was KC's old friend- they stole cars together") all that shit wasn't what my life revolved around. I could keep my head above water.

I knew what that meant, and it scared the living shit out of me. But at the same time, it made me so happy. I could feel this way and not be afraid. Be afraid he would realize I wasn't good enough and throw me away. There wasn't the dark voice that taunted me and told me I was going end up killing this one too; the voice I had with Clare. Maybe, because I knew I was never going to have him, I could fantasize about us and feel like _this_. After all, if you weren't close to someone, they couldn't hurt you. You couldn't lose what you never had. But I knew what all this meant.

I knew what that meant, and it scared the living shit out of me. But at the same time, it made me so happy. The "oh-god-I'm-so-fucking-terrified-somebody-help-me" kind of panicked happy. I was afraid. Afraid this made me a fag; that I was just like my brother; that dad was gonna put me out on the street too. I wanted to keep it a secret, but I wanted Eli so much more. I was lost and confused and I didn't know what the hell I was gonna do. But I knew what all this meant.

I loved the bastard. He was obnoxious and loud and I loved him. I could handle that, easy. I would never have him. I could handle that, too. What I couldn't handle was the thought I had beat into submission and thrown into the darkest, deepest pit in my fucked mind. That maybe, just maybe, I had caught him smiling at me from across the hall.

I loved the punk. He was a smartass and a freak and I loved him. I could sort of handle that. I would never have him. That hurt, but I could deal. But I couldn't deal with the possibility I had continually ran away from. That when I smiled at him across the hall, he had caught me. And maybe, just _maybe_, he had smiled back.

It was probably all in my head…

It was probably all in my head, but I couldn't help but think…

**Not my best, I'll tell you that. But it isn't total crap. The Elitz bunny was giving me cow eyes. Pretty soon it'll be humping my leg. Then you'll get the kinky one-shot.**

**Elitz forum and community **_**links**_** are on my profile. **

**Forum: Everything Eli and Fitz**

**Community: Elitz: Friends Enemies or Lovers**

**Check them out. We're lonely.**

**Review because you're so amazingly, stunningly**_** beautiful. **_**If you want, I'll continue.**


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